More wimpering

I have pictures of todays event "The Final Day of Gifted Summer School" but havent uploaded them yet. So I will save the narrative for when I do.

Today was a "bad" day.  Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm what you might call a heavy hormone releaser and of course this effects my moods, etc.  I especially go into self-loathing mode and second guess every decision I've made....its very tiring.  Internally (I'm a big monologer) I brow-beat and insult myself, asking the big questions like "Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Generally I just want to evaporate, go up in a puff or drop into a coma until these moments pass. I cry, pathetically, mostly in the closet or in the shower and many times locked in my car on the side of the highway.  My psche hurts so bad that it almost FEELS like pain, stabbing and burrowing deep into my brainstem. Conversely, you would never know this to see me from the outside. I'm well-groomed, smiling, and quick to strike up a conversation with strangers. I mask well. I'm punishing myself with food today.....this is a new use.  Stupid woman, you're an idiot, you dont deserve to succeed...maybe you should eat more than you know you can handle and suffer for two hours with nausea, sweats, racing heart, cramps.  And as I lie there on the bed, the voice in my head whispers 'you deserve this'.   I can write this down now and in a way it makes it less painful.

I bought a book today.

Wow, now that's morbid huh? Actually I've always had a fascination with death, moreso now that I'm getting ever closer.  Kubler-Ross was a great woman and studied death and dying her whole professional life. I'm planning on reading more of her works in the future.

About 4 days till we leave. My Dad is supposed to be showing up sometime before then. We may try driving up together but I think he's going to find that we will travel too slow for him. We'll see.

Well, thats it for now. Tata.