Tuesday

I think there are moments in our lives when we feel alone and confused.  For some, these are transient, and in a day or two they're right back to their normal selves.  For others, like me, they last or dwell as an undercurrant. Alot like a cheap paper backdrop in one of those cheesy school pictures, except much sadder. If you attempt at any time to discuss this feeling, I find it gets lost, the translation just isn't there for the other person. They will stare at you quizzically and then quickly smile and say "Maybe you just need a day off." or "I bet some Zoloft would perk you right up!" * insert a thumbs up sign here* I can't explain that my mental processes, if they could be seen, would resemble the violent wash cycle at the laundromat.  Because no one can connect with me in this way, I feel isolated. My thoughts and ideas run on the side of terrifyingly crazy to "commit this loony now". But enough about me and my swollen disjointed cranium.

A week or so ago I wrote that I thought I had a pretty good idea how to keep a marriage together. Compromise. Which I still hold to. The problem is, once I reflected on it, I had to convince myself that compromise was fair. We all give and take and sometimes we feel slighted because we feel we give so much more than we take. Here's an interesting feeling I've been having....What if I dont want to give anymore? I'm so tired of it. And I dont mean the material, money-bought kind of giving.....any monkey can do that. I mean the emotional, time-invested kind of giving. The kind that takes imagination and fore-thought, attempting to bring joy or delight to someone else just for the simple satisfaction of said response. What if the partner has no joy that they want to share? What if they shun you, making excuses for not being involved? What if they don't want to take the time or expend the energy to try? Can you live the rest of your life waiting on that person to give? Is it fair for you to wait? I don't know. Is it selfish to want the kind of attention that overshadows all else?  Maybe it's only in movies that couples would rather communicate in some form than to sit in front of the tv. These are the thoughts I've had and I'm still mulling it over. I dont know if men consider these kinds of things, probably not.

Someone I know is sad tonight. She called me and all I wanted to do was rush right over and tell her it was going to be alright. Life really sucks sometimes and our mind makes us doubt our choices. I don't know the answers, I'm learning as I go too. All I can do is love her for being such a spectacular person. I'll always be her shoulder to cry on.

Well, I have so much more to say but I really should sleep. Tata.