Prickly stickly Friday

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.

I say it to myself like a mantra. But. Is it really true?  I'm finding that its truer sometimes and other times.....uh, toss-up?  As I stood at the counter making Child#2's lunch, which was PBJ today, I had an overwhelming flashback/urge/nostalgic moment.  I wanted so badly to have that feeling that a good PBJ can give you. I can actually pull up specific memories of me eating PBJ's (is that weird?) and can almost taste the creaminess of the PB and the sweet stickiness of the J.  I'm a jackass, I know. There are a few key foods that do this to me. Just thought I'd share. Pffffth.

158 again this morning but I'm feeling bloated so I'm wearing my 12's.  I'm actually keeping all clothes from 14 down, no matter how small I get.  Its not me giving up, its me being smart.  Who knows......once I bottom out, I may have some regain. I'm a realist.  Saving the 14's is my way of saving myself money (possibly) in the future.

Well, time to go! Tata.

8:25 pm

my Cousin Jessica's new baby, Clyde. Awwwwwwwww.

Got my hair cut, on an impulse (uh oh), but refuse to post pictures until I come to terms with it. Maybe tomorrow.

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Another pound bites the dust.

Weight: 158

I had a bad eating day yesterday.  Skipped breakfast because my belly felt funny. I wasnt hungry so I waited till after my second class to eat anything. 1/2 a bag of Baked Lays.  For lunch I went to Ukrops for salad bar. It sat okay.  Around dinnertime I tried some tuna but after about 2 tablespoons my belly cramped and I foamed for an hour. Later I had a mini bag of popcorn.  Bad day all around.

Joe is leaving today to fly up to MN to visit his Mom.  She's having a hard time of it and wants her "Joey". I dont blame her, I miss him already. So I'll be here with kids for a week, alone.  Not that I really mind. There are always positive aspects of being sans spouse. #1 Complete control of the remote. #2 One less person to pick up after. #3 Significant savings on food. #4 I can sleep spread eagled/sideways/diagonally in the bed. #5 Go to the bathroom without closing the door. Hehe. I'm sure there are more but these are the ones that come to mind now.

I have so much school crap to get done this weekend, I really need to crack down on myself. I have to write a debate to be presented on Monday.  I have a Soc. test on Tuesday. I have a Physics test next Thursday. All of my online PE junk is due this weekend. Next week is the LAST week of school. Thank Dog! I will be so relieved to have a few weeks of not thinking. School starts on Jan 14th for the next semester, ugh.

Ok, enough for now. Tata.

6:30 pm

The kids last night, frozen solid.

The best shot I could get of Child#2 singing (she's top right).

My eating so far today. 1 apple (no skin), 2 almonds, 1/2 Subway veggie wrap, handful of pumpkin seeds, a frozen SouthBeach Diet meal (Pork and green beans).....I really never eat those things but was curious to see if I could eat one, so....I didnt eat it all but what I did eat went down okay. 

Just a note about all of the vegetation I've been eating. I love it. I. CANT. STOP. Even though I can predictably time my subsequent diarreah to the minute after eating any form of salad, I LOVE IT. Crunchy. Fresh. Light. Never ever makes me dump. My poor butt. I'm not gonna stop either dammit.

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Welcome to Hell.

You know how some people say "I live in the armpit of the world"?  Well, that doesnt quite qualify the nature of where I'm living at the moment.  I'd have to say that I'm living in the armpits' asshole of the world.  That is, if an armpit had an asshole. Does that make sense?  Ok, let me explain.

Tonight Child #2 had an "event" that we were asked (forced) to go to. Outdoors no less. I mean its only 30 degrees outside, cmon SUCK IT UP! So we toodle down to the " courthouse area" which is also downtown....the so-called hub of this hayseed community. Gathered around the staging area are a couple hundred other parents/children etc, teeth chattering as the wind whistles through the trees.  Jesusgoddamnitshit, lets hurry this shit up so I can get back in the fuggin car!  I smile at others through gritted teeth. Its dark and the rickety podium thats been set up sits off to the side. The sqealing of the portable mike directs our attention to said podium and a huge hulk of a man (the Rec director) greets us and yada yada yada....oh and informs us that the big-wigs that were supposed to show up tonight have sadly cancelled.  Theres a huge surprise. Anyway, Bubba rattles on and then asks another portly fella to give the invocation. The Reverend is so big he almost knocks down the miniscule podium and greedily grabs the mike, putting it so close to his lips I seriously thought he might start licking it like an ice cream. LET US PRAY.  The crowd is silenced and like the sheep that people are, they all bow their widdle heads.  My erect head suddenly seems like a neon bulb with heathen blinking on it.  I slouch and pull Child #1 closer to me so I can lean on him. (for warmth AND cover) This guy was not prepared, you could tell, he was praying for this and that in no logical order.  He had that deer in the headlights look, not inspiring confidence Rev, good thing everyone who cares is staring at their feet. Yada yada yada, in Jezus name. AMEN.  Bubba pats the Rev on the back and says into the mike "Thanks BUCKY." I SHIT YOU NOT. Bucky. The minute he said it, a giant bubble of laughter escaped my lips......not at all the quiet titter I would have hoped for. HAAA! And it was pretty silent so it got quieter for a few seconds after the HA escaped.  I just stood there with that goofy grin hanging on my face as people gave me looks of disgust.  I did what any normal mother would do.....I blamed it on my kid. Avery! You be quiet! Wagging my finger in his face (like he even understood what the hell just happened) On being admonished he says "Bad boy." and I just gently nod as people get back to freezing their asses off. Dont judge me dammit. Child #2 is herded onto the stage with her peers and I see that the choir director has stripped her of her earmuffs and gloves. WTF? Child #2 is having a hard time singing because of the intense shivering and blueness of her lips. I shake my head and realize I can no longer feel my feet. The 2 songs sung, the choir is told to exit the stage. I push my way through the crowd and grab Child #2, "Lets go before I lose my ability to think." She doesnt put up a fight. I think she is in the early stages of hypothermia.  We shuffle back to the car and leave without incident. "We're missing the tree lighting Mommy." To which I reply..."Its a friggin tree with stupid white lights on it baby, if you really want to see it, I'll drive you by it tomorrow." "Cool."

I took 3 pictures during this event and they all turned out badly. Go figure.

Finally in a 10.....someone pinch me!

Me in my size 10's.  Ugh. The hips and thighs are still hugemungous!  Theyre so big that it makes me look knocked-kneed.....seriously.  A rare moment with my hair down too.

I havent started putting up all the X-Mas stuff yet, I'm seriously dreading it.  We decided on "Less is More" this year but I know that Joe will end up going hog wild again with the lights. I dont care, as long as I'm not the one on the ladder. My X-Mas shopping is progressing well and I probably only have about five or six more things to get.  Yay me!

Anyway, I'm off to another joyous day at school. Tata.

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Lazy Sunday

Didnt weigh this morning, I mean whats the point right?  I'm still on a high from yesterdays 159, why ruin it?

Ate 3 bacon and 1 toast with non-dairy butter and apricot jam.  Today I am in search of non-dairy cheese. I MISS DA CHEEEEESE!  Especially on a nice potato or in a tortilla. (pout).  Also, no more vegetable matter for at least a day. Criminy.  Dont have to worry about constipation, thats for sure. I guess the beans dont help either. 

I stopped washing my hair daily.  Its not like it needs it anyway.  Hair loss is at a standstill for the moment.  I'm not liking the color anymore, its too red. 

Anyway, I gotta run to WalMart. Tata.

More pictures? No way!

  

 Taken today.  I've come to the conclusion that I am just not very photogenic.  Specifically my hips, they hate the camera ( or me ).

Weight this morning was (drumroll)..............159 lbs!!! Woohoo! I'm fairly happy.

Today I ate: 1 bottle of lemon water, tiny salad (lettuce, small bit of diced tomato, some shredded carrot) with vinagrette, 1/2 bean burrito and 3 bites of chili and rice (which is kicking my ass right now).  I'm planning on more water and probably some seeds later.

I served left-overs again tonight and Joe has managed to eat ALL of the turkey, most of the stuffing, half of both potato dishes and the green bean dish.  He just finished off the pecan pie and is now on his second piece of sweet potato pie.  I think he has a death wish.  Its at times like these that I'm glad I cant eat like I used to, shovelling in as much as I could until I was too tired to eat anymore.  I do miss the taste of the foods but I just remind myself that I tasted those foods for 40 years, I KNOW what they taste like.

Anyway, gotta go. Tata.

 

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Thankful

Remember this person?  God, I can hardly believe that was me last July.  I am thankful that it isnt me anymore.  Thats all I wanted to say today. Tata.

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Happy Tuna Day!

Apple, sweet potato and pecan. Looks good right?  The only one I made from scratch was the pecan (Joes favorite). I fed them all about an hour ago, after slaving alone in the kitchen since 8:30 am. I made some spectacular dishes.  I couldnt eat any of it. I had 3 oz of tuna and a raw green bean. I'm FULL! Ha!

Its BEE-YOU-TIFF-FUL here today, feels like spring.

Thats our backyard. The brown line on the ground is where Joe laid the cable to put electricity to the shed. I was hoping for more fall colors but its been windy lately so all of the leaves are on the ground now.

Anyway, thats about it for now. Tata.

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More dumping drama

No. More. Kashi. Waffles.     EVER.  Headache, spinning head, nausea and cold sweats......all during my first class.  And of course I sit about 5 feet in front of my prof.  He stares at me (as I try to act normally) and says "You Okay?" "You look alittle green."  I nod and weakly smile, Oh no, I'm fine. Didnt get my morning coffee, I quip, trying to get him to go away and let me concentrate on breathing through my mouth.  He chuckles and THANK DOG, leaves me alone. I check the time and find its safe for me to chug some water now.  We wanna wash that  Bad, bad, bad food away!  By my next class I'm better and no worse for wear.

So today I ingested: 1 evil Kashi waffle from hell, 4 pieces bacon, about 1 cup of various raw veggies, fruits w/ Tbs of vinigarette, bean burrito (1/2), pumpkin seeds (i swear I could live on these things), avacado with tomatoes.  Thats it and its almost 7:30pm.

FOUR days off!!!! Woohoo!  Time for a movie! Tata!

Lots of stuff and pictures!

    

I'm not really happy with these pictures. I look rather lumpy and that shirt does nothing for my boobs. Take my word, I look better in person.

Me and Syd.

I had 3 tests today, WTF? The shitty thing was I didnt remember 2 of them and so I toodle in completely unprepared. Typical.  Have I mentioned that my hair is falling out in massive amounts? I think I did at some point. Well, its becoming a nuisance. Hair on the floors, in the food, all over everyone in the house. I swear I'm like SpiderLady, my hair acting as my web.  My husband asked me what I could do to stop it.  Shave my head.  He just stared at me, like he was considering it.  Ass.

This Thanksgiving I'm cooking cuisine instead of typical turkey dinner. Why not? I mean I wont be able to eat ....uh.....almost none of it.  Everything will have butter, cream, milk, etc etc.  Its been so hard to adjust to cutting out all dairy.....I wont bore you with more whining. (picture me sobbing)  Ok, so since Joe is going to be home this weekend I'm hoping to get some X-Mas shopping done BY MYSELF.  Without kids.  I dread going shopping on Black Friday or the weekend following but I really have to take the time when I can get it.  I'm limited in what we can afford this year because we're going to be spending most of our money on going to Minnesota for X-Mas.  Driving up there is going to be miserable, I'm hoping that it isnt hellaciously cold but I know that is too much to ask for.  The hotel will have an indoor heated pool at least.  I'm looking forward to seeing my SIL and everyone but its going to be a very emotional holiday.  Anyway, my MIL will have her family there and thats what she wants.  I'm not sure when we're leaving, maybe around Dec. 20th or so.  I do know we'll be back before New Years.

Today I ate: 1/2 bowl oatmeal, 1 snack bag Baked Lays, plain bean burrito....only ate about 1/2 tortilla, handful pumpkin seeds and 2 meat/bean tacos (lettuce, lime juice, tomato)  I SWOOSHED (not the same as dumping) about 1/2 an hourafter eating dinner and immediately HAD to sleep.  I dont know why that happens but it hits fast and I was asleep within 5 minutes.  An hour later I was fine and drank a bottle of water.  I may have a popsicle later.

I wanted to give measurements. The last set was Oct 7 and I was 178 lbs.

Oct 7        178 lbs                                  Nov. 20   161 lbs.                                           

Neck   13.75                                           13.25

Arm     12                                                12

Boob    41                                               39

Under Boob   35                                      34

Hip       45                                                43

Thigh     25                                              23.5

Calf       15.25                                         15

Ankle       10                                            10

7.25 inches lost since Oct. Nice.  I'm in a size 12 but bet I'll fit a 10 by X-Mas. Yay me!

Well, I gotta go. Tata.

 

Conflict and Something Sinks In.

Weight: 161

Ate: 3 bacon, 1/2 Kashi waffle, sunflower seeds, 1/2 veggie wrap.  Thats it so far and its almost 4pm. 

While at Subway with the family I ask Joe to get Avery some cookies (Avery lives on 4 foods basically so if I can get a cookie in him, its a good day).  Joe comes back with 6.  Well, last night we had this huge discussion about his weight and how crappy he was feeling and how he was going to CUT OUT bad foods ie: sweets.  He eats 2 of the cookies and after Avery is done with his, he eats the leftovers.  I'm disappointed and just sit there disgusted. He gets mad, I get mad....yada yada yada.  The car is silent on the way home.  He talks a big game but I dont think he's going to change until he has a massive heart attack.  I'm not mentioning it again.....ever. His BMI is around 37 and climbing. Just out of curiousity I logged all his food on Fitday just to see how much he was eating.  At 3pm he already had 2351 calories, 123g Fat, 268 carbs and 78g protein.  Add in dinner and his late-night feeding before bed and he'll be up to at least 3,000.  I forgot beer too. I dont know whether or not he'll be drinking later so it could go way over 3K.

I have 2 pairs of 14's (which are pretty loose) and 1 pair of 12's (which I wear almost every day now).  I'm going to buy a pair of 10's......I cant believe I'm even SAYING that.  I AM going to BUY a pair of size 10'S for ....MYSELF???? Holy crap. I might have worn a 10 in Middle school, maybe.  I cant fathom it. The funny thing is I still feel like I'm big.  It takes me a minute to realize I CAN cross my legs (and not at the ankle like I used to) actually I can cross my legs UNDER most tables now. DAMN. I only have 21 more pounds till I'm at goal.  That puts me in the normal catagory, no more overweight.  Wow.

Ok, well, I have to run. Tata.

Salad cleans house

Weight this morning: 162

I credit the loss to all the vegetable matter I have ingested over the last couple of days.  It came back to haunt me this morning, early, and I wound up sitting on the throne for the good part of an hour. Will this teach me a lesson?  I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Ate yesterday:  3 bacon / 1 Kashi waffle, 5 almonds, 1 subway veggie wrap, handful of corn chips, 6 french fries, 4 bites of not-chicken dirty rice and 1 mini bag popcorn.  1/2 cup sunflower seeds, shelled.  So its like 600 calories according to Fitday.

My hair is dropping out by the handfuls.  It started about 2 weeks ago and has escalated.  I cant brush/wash/touch my hair without ending up with a handful.  There are huge hair balls throughout the house, like tumbleweeds.  My husband asked me if it would grow back. Uh, damn, I hope so.  I'm thinking of cutting it shorter, just to stem the amount of tumbleweeds. 

Taking the kids to make a "toy list" today.  I have no idea what to get them so we'll be walking through Toys R Us to see what strikes their fancies. Sounds fun huh?.

Ok, well, I should get moving. Tata.

2:41 pm

After Toys R Us we go to Walmart to get our weekly food shopping done.  Earlier I had eaten half of an egg and half of a turkey sausage, the other half was wrapped up in the car.  Before we got to Walmart I nibbled alittle more.  Got our cart and started shopping.  Well Syd wanted to look at the video games and in this Walmart its kinda sectioned off so that you have a harder time shoplifting the really good stuff I guess.  I'm standing there looking at something and suddenly my stomach cramps, BADLY.  I'm gonna hurl.  My mouth starts that hyper-watering and I cant swallow it or I definately WILL vomit. I start to sweat and with the bathroom too far away I kneel down and spit a giant puddle of spit onto the floor.  (In a corner where I was pretty sure no one would slip in it) Oh my dog! My mouth is refilling fast and I dont know if I'm gonna make it all the way up front to the bathroom.  I just start walking, FAST. I cant say anything to the kids cause my mouth is full of spit, seriously full. I have to almost run, with my 10 year old almost in tears because she doesnt know whats wrong. Thank goodness there was a stall open because .....well......I kinda made it.  What the hell was that????  I sat in the bathroom for awhile, collecting myself and making sure I wouldnt have to jog back again as soon as I left. Its funny cause my daughter said she thought I was having a heart attack. I said Why would I run to the bathroom if I was having a heart attack???  So, we get back to shopping (my knees all jello-y) and by aisle 5 I had the foamies.  Luckily I had the fore-thought to bring plenty of paper towels from the bathroom so I just ejected the foam into the towels and continued to shop.  That was the first time I've ever had that violent of a reaction in PUBLIC. Ugh. It sucked and to Walmart .....I'm sorry I spit on your floor.

Another Friday

I think my body just realized whats happening to it.  It feels like my appetite is back in full force.  I dont give in to it most of the time but I'm definately eating more calories daily. (prolly like 800-1000 per day now)  My weight has hit a plateau and I've been hanging out in the 164-6 area for some time now.  I imagine that if I kicked up my exercise that I would get more movement but, well.....that would require effort, HA! Hopefully once this period is out of the way my weight will continue downward.

About 3 weeks of classes left and then a week of exams (joy).  I will be so happy to NOT be going to school for awhile.  Classes start again in January (i think) and I've decided to continue.  I'll be taking Developmental Psych, Statistics, Art and (drumroll please) Marriage and Family.  Sounds like an easy load right?  Dont be fooled.

Well, I must go get Avery now. Tata.

Feeding frenzy

Wow. I think I'm definately PMSing because my eating has gone insane.  I'm HUNGRY.  A few weeks ago I could care less if I even saw food, now I'm famished all day.  Not to fear. I'm making fairly good choices.  This morning I was late for school so I got a egg white/turkey sausage biscuit on the way.  I only ate the egg and sausage, the biscuit was doughy and tasted like ass.  Then I ate a small cup of melon.  For lunch I had a cup of bean soup.  On the way home I was crazy hungry so I stopped at Subway and got a veggie wrap.  I couldnt eat too much of the wrap but the insides were awesome.  Snacked on sunflower seeds while I made dinner.  I had some grilled chicken left over so I blended it up with a piece of tomato, Miracle whip and a piece of green onion till it was really fine chunks.  Toasted a piece of double fiber wheat bread and ate about half. (Note: OUCH.  Not nice at all, huuuuuurrrrrrtttttssssss.) Remind me not to do that again.

Ok, thats it for now. Tata.

Wednesday

Hello.  Not much new here, just plugging along.  Emotionally I'm feeling more "even-keel", I may have just needed a distraction.  My MIL is trying to come to terms with her illness and she calls daily.  I try and stay very positive and keep her mind from running wild.  Its really too bad that we dont live closer.

I cant believe how warm it is going to be today. 75. Amazing for this time of year.

Anyway, I'm off to school. Tata.

Boring Sunday.

I've been researching Lung cancer like crazy.  Went to Books A Million and bought two books on lung cancer and chemo. ( I was eating my lunch as I was typing this and went way too fast, had to get up and yak into the sink and then walk around the living room till all the bubbles came out. joy. ) Anyway, I have alot of information for her but there isnt any good in it.  I dont know how I'm going to explain it all.

Spent the last of my birthday money today at Target.  Underwear, cookie racks and a food processor. Yay. I dont think I ever stretched an amount of money that far.  I bought a huge amount of stuff with it since my b-day. Thanks again Daddy.

Ok, well, I'm off to read. Tata.

Food issues.

164 again this morning, although I am wearing a size 12 now.  My BMI is now in the overweight catagory rather than obese.....whooppeee.  Yesterday I ate:

1 Kashi waffle

4 tiny dill pickles

8 almonds

2 oz beans with a few corn chips

1 peeled apple

3 small brushetta  (very thin french bread toasted with tomatoes and garlic on top.)

I tried some chicken as well but knew after the first bite that it wouldnt sit well.  Not the best day but I have to tell ya, I've had much worse.  I feel like I'm having more luck at keeping stuff down/ not getting sick so I'm eating more regularly.  The totals are probably not exactly right because Fitday doesnt have the exact foods I've been eating in their database.  600 calories, 21 g Fat, 93 g Carb and 16 g Protein.  Please dont write me and say "You arent eating enough Protein!"  I know this and I'm working on it.  And I know my carbs are high, I'm working on that too.

Bad news

Yesterday they opened up my MIL to remove the cancer on her lung.  Once they got in there they found that her whole lung was affected so they closed her back up.  She has inoperable lung cancer and we are devastated.  They will be putting her on chemo and radiation in hopes of shrinking the cancer.  The doctors told us that she has a 5-10% chance of survival.  We are still in shock. I will know more tomorrow.

6:30 pm

Spoke to my SIL after I posted.  The cancer is not only on her whole lung but also her chest wall and diaphram.  It is inoperable stage IIIB cancer.  Joe didnt want to talk to SIL and is taking it very hard.  MIL wants us to come up there for XMas, I dont know if we will be able to afford it, Joe may have to go by himself.

Viva Taco!

I was making the family hard shell tacos last night and I was damn hungry.  With complete abandon I decided "I'm gonna have a friggin taco" knowing full well I could spend the rest of the night writhing in pain. Didnt care.  Hard shell, seasoned beef, refried beans, lettuce, avacado, salsa and alittle lime.  Ate slow and Oh My Dog was it good.  After finishing I sat, waiting for a reaction.  Nope.  Yay!  I wont make a habit of it of course, cause I'm a chicken. Ha!

Bought a pair of size 12 jeans yesterday, figuring that they wont fit for at least another month or so.  Wrong!  Got them home and can actually get them up and fasten them (with abit of muffin-top).  I wont wear them until they fit better, probably another couple of weeks.

Joe's mom is going in for her lunch cancer surgery today.  They are going to cut in through her back to remove the lower lobe.  She'll find out if its aggressive or not after the surgery.  If it is then she'll have to have chemo as well.

I have a Physics test this morning, oh joy.  I better go have a look at it before I leave for school. Tata.

food

1 cup mixed fruit.

1 potato (plain)

3 Tbsp Italian dressing.

1 avacado

1 Tbsp Pinto beans

1 slice turkey with mustard

40 oz water

So far thats it and its 7pm.  I'm gonna suck another 20 oz water down and maybe eat some peaches before bed.

 

 

Dumping. It isnt just for trucks anymore.

Had a mini - dump today. Boy do I loveeeee those.  Kinda just takes all the strength out of you, gets you nice and sweaty and gives you a sorta kinda headache.  Gravy! Following this I tell my kids "Leave Mommy alone now, she's trying not to dry heave."  My daughter just rolls her eyes.  So I took the easy way out tonight and made frozen chicken nuggets (which is almost never since I'm on this from-scratch-I -Wanna-Be-Paula-Dean- kick ) Uh, I use much less butter though, hehe.

My Physics professor spent an hour today tutoring me and I swear the man thinks I'm partially retarded.  I dont know what it is about the subject but it just isnt sinking in.  I wanted to stay longer but he kicked me out. I bet he's regretting putting that sign up sheet on his door now ( my name is on every day). I want a C in that damn class.

That's enough for now. Tata.

Tiny menu

Intake yesterday:

4 oz. chocolate soy milk

Kashi waffle

handful of popcorn

1/2 small order meat/beans nachos

4 tiny dill pickles

7 french fries with mustard

Sucks, i know.  I really am trying but when I think of protein my stomach just clenches.  I'm eating oatmeal this morning and will force down some lunchmeat today.

The hair turned out ok, Joe likes it.  Oh and 165 this morning, wheeee.

Thats it for now. Tata.

More bitching.

Coloring my hair today.  Going dark red.  I'll post a picture once it dries. 

Yesterday I made some questionable food choices.  What is it with Taco Bell? It calls to me.  I hate their beans but the Nachos sans cheese taste so damn good.  Meat, beans and chips.  Problem is....I eat too fast (because of the OH MY DOG these are good factor) and eat too much (by too much I mean half a small order).  I must be on the low end of the learning curve too because I've done it twice in 3 days. Stoopid.

I noticed this morning that my backside has slid partways down the back of my thighs.  Good grief.  No wonder it always feels like I'm sitting in a bowl of jello. 

Today I will attempt to take the kids to Bee Movie. I'm hoping for a deserted theater but know its going to be madness.  I hate the mall.  Anyway, time to go get something done. Tata.

I MISS DAIRY DAMMIT!!!!

Biggest regret of RNY??? Now I'm allergic to all dairy.  Seriously. Not just "lactose intolerant". ALLERGIC!  Kills me.  I was the queen of all dairy before surgery. I dont think I had a meal that didnt include some form of the creamy goodness.  Soy sucks.  I just drank 4 oz. of Continents Soy chocolate milk and......so far my stomach isnt queasy. I say so far because it usually takes an hour or so to be sure.  At least this one didnt taste like chocolate ass crack and its a Light version so the calories are acceptable.  Shit, I need the calories anyway.  On average I'm eating 500 a day so I guess a few extra wont hurt me now.  I was looking for a soy cheese (because dammit I MISS CHEESE!) and every brand says the same thing on the back "CONTAINS LACTOSE". Uh. Lactose? If its made of soy why does it have friggin lactose in it???! Stupid lactose. 

Short story: The old man was working on the electrical shit in the house yesterday and it was getting close to dinner.  Me: I have to cook soon. Can you please turn the power on? HIM: No. I got more shit to do. Why dont you go get some pizza?  Me: I have pizza in the freezer dammit! I dont want to spend $30 on take out! HIM: Tough shit. Its either that or PB and J.  So my kids start whining and yep....we drive into town for pizza.  Of course I cant eat pizza, being that it will KILL me (but I'm not bitter or anything).  I wasnt having an issue until we get in the car with the take out boxes and the smell of freshly cooked pizza coupled with hot wings fills the car with a scent so intoxicating I was considering how sick I would possibly get from one piece.  Sad right?  We get home and I've sort of come to my senses.  While they pig out I have avacado and salsa, my stomach cursing me with every bite. My rational mind says "DUMMY, this is how your ass got so fat to begin with." And I know this but it doesnt make it any easier.

I'm officially 166 lbs this morning (wake, pee, strip, weigh) and I should be crazy happy right? Dont care. Really. The scale could have read 120 and I would have had the same reaction. Ho hum.  I dont think the Zoloft is working.  I'm still disinterested in school and watch Food Network any chance I get.  Most of the day my head feels too fuzzy to even bother trying to think.  I'm taking my vitamin, my Os-cal and my B-12 daily.  I dont drink nearly enough waterand my protein intake sucks mostly but I'm trying to improve (i swear).  Why do I always feel like I'm whining about the same crap every day. I'm pathetic.

Anyway, enough for now. Tata.

TGIF i guess

No matter how much I drink it feels like its not enough.  Every morning I chug a 20 oz bottle before breakfast, I drink another during my first class and try to get another down on the way home.  Why does it feel like I only pee once a day? Except at night, when I'm up every 15 minutes of course.  I'm still on the Macrobid for the infection but I have an odd feeling that once I finish it I'll get another.  Call it womens intuition.

I've eaten new foods lately.  Dill pickles, cous cous, aspargus, and meat and bean nachos (no cheese).  I'm still only eating 5 or 6 bites.  I pushed it the other day and got that "OWWW" in my chest.  Bad monkey, no more nachos for you.

I've noticed that after lunch (usually only happens then) I get sorta sickish/tired.  No matter what I eat, I feel the need to lie down.  It isnt dumping....I dont know what it is.  After an hour or so I'm better but feel alittle "hungover", like my stomach is sore.  Its a real bitch and I hope it stops soon.

My attitude has improved (you can thank the Zoloft for that) but I'm still not feeling like myself.  My cooking impulse has calmed down.  I'm doing more homework.  There's still something wrong with me though.

Anyway, its Friday. Yay. Joe is working all weekend so its me and the kids. (Picture my excitement) Bye for now. Tata.