Welcome to Hell.

You know how some people say "I live in the armpit of the world"?  Well, that doesnt quite qualify the nature of where I'm living at the moment.  I'd have to say that I'm living in the armpits' asshole of the world.  That is, if an armpit had an asshole. Does that make sense?  Ok, let me explain.

Tonight Child #2 had an "event" that we were asked (forced) to go to. Outdoors no less. I mean its only 30 degrees outside, cmon SUCK IT UP! So we toodle down to the " courthouse area" which is also downtown....the so-called hub of this hayseed community. Gathered around the staging area are a couple hundred other parents/children etc, teeth chattering as the wind whistles through the trees.  Jesusgoddamnitshit, lets hurry this shit up so I can get back in the fuggin car!  I smile at others through gritted teeth. Its dark and the rickety podium thats been set up sits off to the side. The sqealing of the portable mike directs our attention to said podium and a huge hulk of a man (the Rec director) greets us and yada yada yada....oh and informs us that the big-wigs that were supposed to show up tonight have sadly cancelled.  Theres a huge surprise. Anyway, Bubba rattles on and then asks another portly fella to give the invocation. The Reverend is so big he almost knocks down the miniscule podium and greedily grabs the mike, putting it so close to his lips I seriously thought he might start licking it like an ice cream. LET US PRAY.  The crowd is silenced and like the sheep that people are, they all bow their widdle heads.  My erect head suddenly seems like a neon bulb with heathen blinking on it.  I slouch and pull Child #1 closer to me so I can lean on him. (for warmth AND cover) This guy was not prepared, you could tell, he was praying for this and that in no logical order.  He had that deer in the headlights look, not inspiring confidence Rev, good thing everyone who cares is staring at their feet. Yada yada yada, in Jezus name. AMEN.  Bubba pats the Rev on the back and says into the mike "Thanks BUCKY." I SHIT YOU NOT. Bucky. The minute he said it, a giant bubble of laughter escaped my lips......not at all the quiet titter I would have hoped for. HAAA! And it was pretty silent so it got quieter for a few seconds after the HA escaped.  I just stood there with that goofy grin hanging on my face as people gave me looks of disgust.  I did what any normal mother would do.....I blamed it on my kid. Avery! You be quiet! Wagging my finger in his face (like he even understood what the hell just happened) On being admonished he says "Bad boy." and I just gently nod as people get back to freezing their asses off. Dont judge me dammit. Child #2 is herded onto the stage with her peers and I see that the choir director has stripped her of her earmuffs and gloves. WTF? Child #2 is having a hard time singing because of the intense shivering and blueness of her lips. I shake my head and realize I can no longer feel my feet. The 2 songs sung, the choir is told to exit the stage. I push my way through the crowd and grab Child #2, "Lets go before I lose my ability to think." She doesnt put up a fight. I think she is in the early stages of hypothermia.  We shuffle back to the car and leave without incident. "We're missing the tree lighting Mommy." To which I reply..."Its a friggin tree with stupid white lights on it baby, if you really want to see it, I'll drive you by it tomorrow." "Cool."

I took 3 pictures during this event and they all turned out badly. Go figure.