Stayin Alive.

 

Exactly how I've been thinking lately. Here's me in action.......

Its how I feel. because. I have to eat sooooo very often to keep my strength up. Its very apparent on this trip that MY EATING is a nuisance. "You have to eat AGAIN?" Uh, yes, I do. But you just ate. Uh, I know but if I dont eat I'll be very weak and bitchy. This is bad yes?

Last night when they ordered pizza, it was cool except that my SIL ended up having to make a side trip to buy salad. Made me feel like a pain. I hated to say that I had eaten salad twice already today and anymore of it will give me the runs. Ok, well, TMI. Salad was fine but I needed protein so when we returned to the hotel I went to Subway and grabbed a turkey wrap. Eating protein at 11 pm? Nightmares fer sure.

This morning at the free breakfast bar I had 1 pc of wheat toast with (questionable) peanut butter (I think it had dairy in it b/c I got a hell-a-cious headache afterwards), oh and 1/2 a banana.  There were waffles and french toast and lovely syrup with little jams and frothy orange juice.......gah I used to LOVE breakfast. Waffles especially. My family devoured hundreds apon hundreds of calories with lip-smacking abandon, licking fingers and humming that "oh this tastes good" little song between each bite. I just sat there and kept repeating in my mind stoicly, You dont want that shit. You think you do but its just your sickness talking. Its the brain that wants the food dammit, the big stupid brain. I keep in mind how horrifically SICK it would make me to eat even a few bites of what theyre eating and that will sometimes take my mind off of it. Usually I would be a real stickler about what they eat but I decided that for the duration of the trip I wont be the food nazi that I usually am. Free pass for the funeral. Now when we get home it will be business as usual.

So, here I sit, next to the indoor hotel pool. My two plus their cousin Katie playing Marco Polo with 2 other guest children. I opted out on going in the pool, I just didnt feel like it, maybe later this afternoon. Joe left at 10 am to have a family meeting with just the siblings. I'm glad he has this time with them, he seems much more connected.

Well, I'm off to get this brood dried off and re-dressed. Lunch is not far away and I plan to PLAN out my meals today. Pain in the ass. I swear.