Day Before

Here it is, the day before we shove off.  I'm feeling stress and my head is spinning.....I'm sure I'm going to forget some crucial item even though I have made an extensive LIST(S).  We will be going over said list around dinner time as we load up the car.  My Dad will be travelling with us and has graciously agreed to carry the two huge-mongous cases of diapers (thank dog!) because those things were going to seriously limit the amount of other stuff I could fit in the clown car. I know I'll forget something, as long as it isnt a charger or power cord for one of the MANY electronic items, we'll be fine.

Grampa bought Child #2 an iPod shuffle and it is now the focus of her entire life.  We downloaded some music for it (about 12 songs) and she listens to them over and over. 

Ok, well, I have to run. Things to do, children to pummel.  I dont know when I'll be able to post again. Depending on how hectic the trip becomes, I may be able to put some pictures up tomorrow night. Take care and see ya soon! Tata.

Summer Enrichment Finale

The final day of the gifted summer program culminates in a 2 hour production in the gym.  There was poetry reading, pantomime (oh yay mimes.), acting, music and cheerleaders.  The art kids had all their stuff on tables so at the end, everyone could browse their creations. (to my daughters horror everyone bolted for the door) Anyway, here are a few pictures of the carnage.

She learned alot about bookmaking and I think it was a valuable class.  Next year she will be eligible for a wider variety of classes in the summer and will probably try something like drama.

So after we gathered up her projects and I chatted up the teacher, we decided to celebrate with her favorite lunch...Panera Bread. Who doesnt love that place???!!!

Well, I gotta hit the road. Tata.

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More wimpering

I have pictures of todays event "The Final Day of Gifted Summer School" but havent uploaded them yet. So I will save the narrative for when I do.

Today was a "bad" day.  Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm what you might call a heavy hormone releaser and of course this effects my moods, etc.  I especially go into self-loathing mode and second guess every decision I've made....its very tiring.  Internally (I'm a big monologer) I brow-beat and insult myself, asking the big questions like "Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Generally I just want to evaporate, go up in a puff or drop into a coma until these moments pass. I cry, pathetically, mostly in the closet or in the shower and many times locked in my car on the side of the highway.  My psche hurts so bad that it almost FEELS like pain, stabbing and burrowing deep into my brainstem. Conversely, you would never know this to see me from the outside. I'm well-groomed, smiling, and quick to strike up a conversation with strangers. I mask well. I'm punishing myself with food today.....this is a new use.  Stupid woman, you're an idiot, you dont deserve to succeed...maybe you should eat more than you know you can handle and suffer for two hours with nausea, sweats, racing heart, cramps.  And as I lie there on the bed, the voice in my head whispers 'you deserve this'.   I can write this down now and in a way it makes it less painful.

I bought a book today.

Wow, now that's morbid huh? Actually I've always had a fascination with death, moreso now that I'm getting ever closer.  Kubler-Ross was a great woman and studied death and dying her whole professional life. I'm planning on reading more of her works in the future.

About 4 days till we leave. My Dad is supposed to be showing up sometime before then. We may try driving up together but I think he's going to find that we will travel too slow for him. We'll see.

Well, thats it for now. Tata.

Tuesday

I think there are moments in our lives when we feel alone and confused.  For some, these are transient, and in a day or two they're right back to their normal selves.  For others, like me, they last or dwell as an undercurrant. Alot like a cheap paper backdrop in one of those cheesy school pictures, except much sadder. If you attempt at any time to discuss this feeling, I find it gets lost, the translation just isn't there for the other person. They will stare at you quizzically and then quickly smile and say "Maybe you just need a day off." or "I bet some Zoloft would perk you right up!" * insert a thumbs up sign here* I can't explain that my mental processes, if they could be seen, would resemble the violent wash cycle at the laundromat.  Because no one can connect with me in this way, I feel isolated. My thoughts and ideas run on the side of terrifyingly crazy to "commit this loony now". But enough about me and my swollen disjointed cranium.

A week or so ago I wrote that I thought I had a pretty good idea how to keep a marriage together. Compromise. Which I still hold to. The problem is, once I reflected on it, I had to convince myself that compromise was fair. We all give and take and sometimes we feel slighted because we feel we give so much more than we take. Here's an interesting feeling I've been having....What if I dont want to give anymore? I'm so tired of it. And I dont mean the material, money-bought kind of giving.....any monkey can do that. I mean the emotional, time-invested kind of giving. The kind that takes imagination and fore-thought, attempting to bring joy or delight to someone else just for the simple satisfaction of said response. What if the partner has no joy that they want to share? What if they shun you, making excuses for not being involved? What if they don't want to take the time or expend the energy to try? Can you live the rest of your life waiting on that person to give? Is it fair for you to wait? I don't know. Is it selfish to want the kind of attention that overshadows all else?  Maybe it's only in movies that couples would rather communicate in some form than to sit in front of the tv. These are the thoughts I've had and I'm still mulling it over. I dont know if men consider these kinds of things, probably not.

Someone I know is sad tonight. She called me and all I wanted to do was rush right over and tell her it was going to be alright. Life really sucks sometimes and our mind makes us doubt our choices. I don't know the answers, I'm learning as I go too. All I can do is love her for being such a spectacular person. I'll always be her shoulder to cry on.

Well, I have so much more to say but I really should sleep. Tata.

New Compooper

Guess what? Well, the computer I wanted was not available (of course). Grrrrrr. After researching some more and talking to some tech guys (who also go to school) I decided on this one: the HP 6815nr.  Its not as sexy as the other one but it will cover me in everything I need. I immediately took it over to Panera (for thier WiFi) and it runs really nice. I will not be loading all kinds of extra stuff on it, I may actually buy an external drive for it later on. I brought it home and let everyone touch it and showed them what it can do.  It will not be left out. Ever. I turned it off and zipped it up into my bag. Tomorrow I'll play with it some more.

Yay.

Bye bye Fishes

RIP fishies.

A year ago, in response to intense pleading, I bought Child #2 some fish. A small 10 gallon tank with a few fish, used to teach responsibility. Uh huh. I ended up feeding those poor fish most of the time. One by one they expired and were ceremonially flushed. Tonight the last 4 gave up the ghost. I noticed them being pushed lazily around the tank by the filters jet. "Syd. I think your fish are dead." She looks in the tank. "Nah. They always swim like that." "Yeah. Thats because theyre dead." So after the flushing I decided that the tank was to be disassembled. She didnt seem to mind either. I should have known better, she didnt even name them. I think it was becoming a nuisance to her AND to me. Since we're leaving in a week, it will be one last thing to worry about. The tank got scrubbed (by me of course) and all the parts and doo-dads put in  a bag which will all migrate up to the attic. Good riddance.

 

Process this.

The HP Pavilion Spec. Edition Laptop

4GB/250GB

$749.99

I looked at it today but didnt buy. I had been looking at a Compaq and another Pavilion but when I got to Best Buy and spoke to the guy who works there, I changed my mind. The Compaq is cheaper but has a tiny memory, also an older, slower processor. Hmmmmm. So I came home and started over. Thats when I found the above puter. It actually has more memory than I need but I can deal with that. They have it in stock so I'm going to go get it tomorrow. Yay. Excitement. Its like having a baby, except without all the pain and crying.

Its been a week since school let out and already I'm ready to take a life. Not so much my son, he's fairly quiet and plays well by himself. Its the 2nd child, she has to be constantly amused or she makes my life hell.  I'm focusing on having patience and staying calm......but we all know that this only works for so long before an eruption. Breathe, breathe.....soothing thoughts. Ahhhhhh.

Thats all for now. Tata.

Send in Tha Clowns

Hello. Above is my sad tooth. I fretted all day about the afternoon appointment. Absolutely hate dentists. So, I go in and as I sit down in the chair I make it abundantly clear that I'm a big chicken and PLEASE dont hurt me. *smile* She must think I'm a whacko because she pats me on the head and looks at me with pity in her eyes. Dont worry, I'm only going to pinch you twice. *wink wink* Why do I feel like I'm 8 again? She shoots me up with the Novacaine (which makes me itch like CRAZY all over) and starts drilling. Luckily she put on one of those dam things (big rubber green thing, sorta like a face shield) Anyway, it would seem that the root canal wasnt completed A YEAR AGO and the abcess is from one of the non-canaled roots. So she canals it and puts some meds in it so that the infection is killed off. A temp filling is put on top and it will be completed when I return from Canada. At least it wont bother me on vacation. Yay. The jaw is alittle sore but nothing some Advil wont cure.

Less than 2 weeks till we leave and I'm actually starting to organize in my head. I'll be packing light, shit I have to, that Focus barely fits 4 small people.

Hehe, clown car anyone?

Toof Twubbles

I'm anxious about tomorrow. I'm also tired which makes my anxiety even worse. Its that damn tooth. Being unsure about what is going to happen is worse than actually knowing what they are going to do. I fear mouth pain. Really badly. I'm skeeeeered shitless.

Damn. Now I'm too preoccupied with thinking about that tooth. I'lll let you know how it all goes. Tata.

Monday

Morning yall. Yesterday was fairly uneventful, Joe had to work. I mowed the front yard for him (took 2 hours) and made his favorite dinner (Mexican stuffed shells).  He told me not to buy him anything, he wants to buy it himself.

Today will be painful. We have another appointment with the financial planner and we have to take the kids aong this time. Gah.

The rest of the day will be listening to Joe complain about how much he hates it here and how broke we are. yay me? Its very hard for me to be upbeat and positive with him dragging his mopey carcass around the house all day. I swear the man cant be happy, I dont think location will change that. Its a real shame too because life is so damn short. I'm resolved to live my best life, enjoy my kids, do my best to do something positive every day and learn new things every day. I'm alive and healthy. Yay me!

Ok, the Canada countdown is 14 days.

Saturday

When it comes to relationships I think I have a pretty good idea of what it takes to make things work.  Its a simple formula really. You tolerate and keep your mouth shut 50% of the time and you compromise and pick your words carefully the other 50%.  There is no winning because when there is a winner, there has to be a loser.  It took me 18 years to figure this stuff out. We still argue but they're short and mostly about money.  Friggin money, it can make you crazy.  Lately I've been trying to visualize him as a "person" instead of just Joe. I dont know if that makes sense. I think over time you lose sight of who this individual is as a person.  Other people deal with him, know him, interact with him. He has dreams and wants and aspires to be something better.  He can be kind and patient, helpful and funny. Tomorrow is Fathers Day and although we dont "do" stuff for these silly holidays I want to do something for him. I dont know what yet.

Child #2 is already bored and school just let out for summer yesterday. She invited her little friend Emily over and they were up till midnight chattering.  Emily is a sweet little thing, skinny as a rail (kinda reminds me of Olive Oyle) and shy.  She carries a purse (at 10???) and has her own cell phone (at 10???) so of course Child #2 lets me know that having a cell phone would be a good thing for her to have. UH. Read my lips. NO. I managed to survive the whole first part of my life without a phone, I think you can manage too. When she can pay the bill, she can have a phone.

Nothing at all going on today. Maybe more later.

Books n stuff.

Finished this one today. Thoroughly enjoyed it, I think she is brilliant. Her new one, Bonk, is still in hardcover so I'm waiting (grrrrrrr). 

 I'm moving on to another Dawkins.

And then I found a funny little ( uh, is 465 pages little? )book today (I wasnt sposed to be buying books, shhhhh). Books are the closest thing to crack that I have. When I'm in the bookstore I become possessed, seriously.

Anyway, tomorrow is the last day of school for this year (you can hear the collective weeping of parents round the globe).  Luckily for me, Child #2 starts a summer class that runs for 2 weeks so at least she wont be whining ALL day in my ear. I'm buying Child #1 a plastic kiddie pool, that will keep him occupied for a good part of the day. We leave on July 1 (oh happy day!).

I'm not going to talk about my eating or exercising for this week (shame......) My weight has remained constant. Nuff said.

Anyway, its late and I should sleep. Tata.

Graduation Day

Graduation Day!

Today my baby graduated 5th grade. *sob* Here she is in her pretty girl dress.

It was a fairly short ceremony.  There are 3 5th grade classes and each one had different catagories of awards to present. Child #2 received the most awards. They are as follows:

1. Presidents Award for Outstanding Academic Achievement.  (Straight A's all year) She was the only 5th grader to get this award.

2. Honor Roll

3. Perfect Attendance

4. Citizenship

5. Most Helpful Girl in 5th grade

6. Gifted PAAS Vocal Member

7. Recorder Choir Member

She also was one of the few in her class to complete her Accelerated Reading program.

She went up on the stage so many times that some lady behind me whispered to her husband "Geez, that kid needs to give someone else a chance." I laughed. I will not apologize for having a smart kid. And I will definately take some of the credit for all of her success.

I'm so proud of her. She really is the greatest kid.

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Don't You Forget About Me

I am SO an 80's girl. Micheal Jackson, Miami Vice, Chuck D's and neon legwarmers. Who would have guessed that my old clothes would ever be fashionable again?! Anyway, an old highschool friend of mine got me all nostalgic and I climbed up in my attic to see if I had any of those relics left.  Well, unfortunately time was not kind to most of them and I vacuumed up many that had turned to dust. My high school uniform had survived (no wonder, I think they made those from asbestoes and the shit they use on the space shuttle so it doesnt burn up on re-entry (hehe, I said re-entry.) ) I would have tried it on but the material looked angry and menacing.  Underneath that, I found a box with a few old corsages saved from dances 20+ years ago (mostly intact too), another box with tons of letters and stuff from the aforementioned friend. I'm not a real sentimental kind of person. I mean, I'm kinda anchored in the present or the future. I'm also not rooted too much in stuff. Material possessions kinda wig me out, I consider myself a minimalist. Its a friggin mystery how this stuff survived all of my yearly purges without me pitching them.  I guess I'm glad I still have them, its fun to read all the embarrassing things you wrote as a kid....or that someone else wrote to you (but that you would never mock or tease them about, ever.) Hehe.

It's Monday. I feel good. My rollercoaster headache has dissapated. I worked out for an hour this morning and went shopping. Ahhhh. Now its time for a nap. Life is rough. hehe.

 

Kings Dominion.....aaaarggghhhh, I'm on FIRE!

When I woke up Sat. morning I knew that the heat index was going to reach 105. I knew it. And yet, we decided to visit the theme park anyway. HA! It doesnt open its gates till 10:30 but we leave earlyso Mom can stop at Starbucks. Bad idea. Hot milky coffee doesnt sit well in extreme heat, whodathunkit? After recovering from the coffee by chugging a shitload of water, I was fine. I was hoping that the heat would keep alot of the sane people away and we would have the park to ourselves. The sane people must have been thinking the same as me. It was packed. Even though it was hot and we spent alot of day waiting in line, we had a good time.

Taken from the top of the "Eiffel Tower" in the center of the park.

The Dominator. HA! It was okay, not the scariest one I'd ever ridden. I must say though, it was very smooth, no jerking or whiplash.  They have 3 wooden coasters in this park and after riding just 2 of them I swear I felt sick, like a shaken baby. Today I do have abit of whiplash, my neck and upper back ache. Damn coasters.

The smudge at the bottom is Child #2, she rode this one 4 times by herself. Its one of those blast-coasters that shoots you off at like 60 mph right at the beginning.  She loved it.

We didnt get home till almost 10 pm. And BOY did I sleep like a ROCK! Ten hours of walking on the sun really sucks it outta ya. HA!

Breakfast for Saturday: 100 cal bagel/peanut butter

Snack: Latte..........ugh......didnt drink all of it.

At the park: Water, lemonade, frozen watermelon slushie, chicken salad

Dinner: Subway turkey sandwich

Not a bad day considering. I thought for sure that the frozen slushie thing would make me dump but I think I was so dehydrated that my body needed the sugar.

Today I have a crappy hangover-like headache and I'm sluggish. Took the kids to the pool this morning but I just napped on a chaise.  Lazy bitch huh. I'm feeling lazy.

Anyway, thats it for now. Tata.

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Whats that smell?

Yesterday was Field Day at Child #2's school.  She was i n 6 events but I got there late so only got to see her in 3.  Her class won the 5th grade Tug-O-War and this made them all very happy.

It was hot and smelled like burning tires (because of the fires in N.C.). 

Later in the day Child #1 had his Parent Teaparty at his school.  I took pictures but havent loaded them up yet.

My tooth feels better but my face is still swollen. I'm pretty sure it is an abcess and the anti-biotics seem to be working.

Today Child #2 and I are heading to Kings Dominion. I must be insane. The heat index is supposed to be 105 today. I know I know..........stupid. I'll let you know how we do.

 

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PAIN

Three days ago my upper right crown started bothering me. I figured that the crown had shifted and the gum pain was from the teeth hitting irregularly (had it before). So I've been taking Goody's powders and ibprofen to kinda dull the pain. Yesterday I couldnt handle it anymore and went to the dentist. X-Ray showed nothing going on with it so he just burred it down in the high spots. Fixed, right?! Well, kinda felt alittle better. He tells me to keep taking anti-inflam. and dont chew on that side. Duh. We get home later in the pm and I go to eat a very soft sandwich. First bite on the OTHER side.....one of my top teeth BREAKS. Not even a bad tooth. So now I have pain on both sides. By 9pm I cant take it and pop 1/2 a Vicoden. So now here I am, its 4 am (Vicoden wore off) and am in SEVERE pain. Cant take another Vicoden cause I have to be lucid and drive the damn car in 2 hours so I take 2 ibprofen and a Goody's. My entire head is pulsating with that tooth pain and its all I can do to just endure it. I have another dentist appt this morning at 9am but its for a filling. I'm hoping he can stop this pain because I dont think I can function if I have to live with this much longer. Anyway, I'm going to try an lie down for a couple more hours. I may not post until this is resolved.

Mowing and the new cam

My baby learns how to mow the back 40. I was nervous at first but she loves it and by the end of the day she was riding like a pro. This picture was taken with the new camera. I must say, I'm abit disillusioned.  They look great on the camera but I seriously cant tell the difference once I d/l them to the site. I'm going to play with it more this week.

Tomorrow is her big "weigh-in". We made a deal a month ago that if she could get down to 98 lbs (a 2 lb loss in a month) then I would buy her an MP3 player. Problem is, she grew 1 1/4 inches in height which screws everything all up. I'll probably give it to her as long as she lost at least 1 lb., I got my fingers crossed.

Day 1 of the eating experiment went fine......until after dinner. I'll let you know later, I gotta run now.

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